It’s interesting to grow up in a culture where Thanksgiving (and Christmas) is not really a celebrated holiday. Family for us was an all-year thing, not a gather-together-for-one-day thing. We cooked every day and had elaborate dinner parties frequently, so we didn’t need a special day for these things. So my entire childhood, my family didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving. It wasn’t a big deal as a kid because it was just another long weekend, and occasionally we went shopping really late at night.
Thanksgiving didn’t become a thorn in my side until college. That’s when my biological family fell apart and I no longer had a “home” to go to for this long weekend. Nothing makes you feel more alone than the holidays. Even those people who never talk to their families are all of a sudden surrounded by loved ones. So, what does a family-less person do for the holiday season? Improvise.
I’ve been very lucky to have friends who have always subbed in as family during the holidays. In college, I spent a couple of Thanksgivings with my roommate’s family. I’ve known her since 7th grade and her family was always warm and welcoming, but I always felt like an impostor trying to fit in with a family that wasn’t my own. A different year, I attended a Thanksgiving with another one of my close friends who has a large and friendly family. It was an informal event, so it took some of the pressure off. So on and so forth, I’ve found myself trying on different family events for size, and as much as I am grateful for the generosity of others’, it’s never felt quite right.
So after college, when I entered the news business, I had a good excuse to avoid the holiday altogether: I had to work! It was bittersweet because working on a holiday is never fun (Boston Market dinners get old real fast), but I also had an excuse to give when one of my well-meaning friends invited me to their family’s festivities. Trust me, it didn’t make it much easier… I’ve spent many holidays sitting at my desk on the verge of tears listening to people talk about their holiday plans and families. But at least I avoided feeling like the misfit.
Over the last few years, I’ve discovered family through my relationship. Luckily, they’re informal and don’t put a lot of stock into traditional holidays. We see each other all the time so holidays don’t have to be a huge deal of reunions and fake smiles. Instead, they’re just about having fun and doing what we like. Now, I enjoy the holiday season because I actually fit in and don’t have to impose on someone else’s family once a year.
All that said, the holiday season is still hard. Make no mistake, I am so grateful for what I have and who I have, but there will always be a hole where my biological family belongs. It is easier in some ways because my family never celebrated Christmas, so I don’t have any traditions I miss. But it’s also difficult when I don’t have any traditions of my own, or Christmas ornaments from my childhood, or nostalgia of childhood Christmas mornings.
I know I’m not alone in having an underlying sadness linked with the holiday season. For a variety of reasons, this season is difficult for many people. And to those people, I say don’t let the past take away your present potential for joy. Make new traditions, enjoy the moments that make you forget about that sadness and most of all, celebrate all of the things you do have to be grateful for.
When we’re deep in our sadness, it can be nearly impossible to see all the light and good around us. And no doubt about it, sometimes you need to sit there in that sadness for a bit and process it. Here’s something to try this holiday season: Give yourself an allotted amount of time to feel your sadness. Once that’s done, pick yourself up and think of five things you are grateful for in this season. They can be as small as “Christmas music on the radio.” And every time you start to feel sad again, think of those little things again. Trust me, it will keep you from going down into that well of sadness.
I firmly believe that those of us who know how difficult it can be to find joy are the ones who truly cherish it the most. Happy Holidays.
